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Nov. 21st, 2014

indignant

(no subject)



  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    i feel like i'm never going to know what it's like not to be abused and hurt over and over

    or i guess i did know with jeremiah, but look at how much i messed that up


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    You will Nakita, I know you'll find someone who will love you just as much as you love them. Maybe not the same love you feel for Ben, or felt for jeremiah but then nothing really compares to "first love", lol! I remember thinking how much I loved randy all those years ago and how it broke my heart that he fooled around when I was in KY visiting. Now I realize i was more infatuated than in love. I found real love with dad, the funny thing is I didn't think so at the time, I figured he was just another "good ol southern boy" trying to get in my pants, lol! Turned out it WAS real love after all. I guess things are different though, you're older for one thing, I was just 16. And i don't remember feeling as deeply for randy as you do for Ben


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    you were also 16 at the time and only 17 when you got with dad. it didn't take many tries for you and your last relationship was your first really serious one. i've been through the first love isn't the last thing, i've been through three shitty relationships and one okay one already. i've had the experiences to learn what love is to me and how it differs from infatuation.


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Oh there were 2 or 3 other guys in there but none i took seriously, just for sex i guess lol....ewwww I know I know. Peter, who asked me to marry him and could barely speak English but was the best looking thing on 2 legs I'd ever seen, lol! And a few high school crushes, but yeah you're pretty much right. Things seem so much more complicated now. Are you missing Jeremiah some? I do think he was a "good" guy, and I'm sure he's matured somewhat, lol! I just know that when you talked about Ben and then when I SAW you with him, it was much different that what you felt for Jeremiah. WHY is it love has to be so difficult and painful at times? I wish it wasn't like this for you, perhaps it will get better. I hope so!


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    no, i dont miss jeremiah at all. sometimes i wonder if we could still be friends, but i dont have much interest in even that. we grew out of each other. i feel like i'm supposed to lament the relationship i gave up with him, but i still wouldn't make the choice to have stayed with him. i don't feel like i gave much up - not that the relationship was bad, but it was ultimately not fulfilling, and we broke up for a reason. i can't even see him in a romantic sense anymore.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    and that's what's so shitty about having been with ben. i know what i want to see in the person i love, not just the concept of them but actually them. i know how i want to be with somebody and how they should make me feel. it just turns out that i might have to lose that because he didnt know how to be a good person, no matter how much i believed he was one.


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Maybe he feels he can't live up to what you think he can be, maybe he likes the fact you think he can be a better man..but isn't sure HOW to become one? And so is feeling like a failure for not living up to your expectations?


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    And maybe you deserve someone who is already a good person and doesn't need to be instructed in how you should be treated. Someone who doesn't need to change, who already knows how to love you because he does love you with all his heart. There's no such thing as a perfect man, or woman, but loving someone shouldn't be so hard. It's basically putting them first, wanting their happiness more than you want your own, wanting to be with them all the time....and treating them like they're the most important thing in their life.....and it's something that should come naturally.


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    YOU don't have a problem treating him that way because you love him so much and WANT to, it comes naturally to you because of the fact you love him and want him to be happy. And your happy when he's happy and want nothing more than to be with him...and to know he feels the same. I wish he treated you the same, more than anything I wish you to know that feeling of love, of being the most important person in the world to someone and knowing they put you above all others. The security of that kind of love is the best thing in the world to have. And I wish that for both of my children because you both deserve it soooo much.


Nov. 20th, 2014

indignant

(no subject)


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    Hey Kate, I know this seems unprecedented and I'm the last person you'd hope to hear from. I wanted to write you and shed more light on Ben's behavior, particularly why he called you last night asking what he did, and tell you some things he clearly will not himself. I know this is long, but if you have the energy, please bear with me. I promise you it's not malicious. I just want there to be transparency between all parties in terms of what's been going on.

    Ben called you late last night asking what happened between you two in Yellowstone because we got into an argument concerning how I could trust him after he's lied to me so much when even he couldn't remember the story he was telling me. He said something that made me realize that you weren't completely to blame for the situation as he had originally set you up to be. I told him that he needed to get a hold of you and find out what the missing blanks were if even he couldn't remember - we both needed to know to move past it if we were to decide to continue our relationship, and I needed to know if I was villainizing someone who didn't deserve it.

    I realized you needed to know how things happened from my side of it. Not to gain your sympathy, but because he lied so terribly to us both and you have the right to know how he was lying to you and what the best choice is to protect yourself once you have that information.

    How things went for me is we'd been on and off since we officially "broke up" the first time. I started casually trying something off with another guy after he broke up with me and it was clear that he had decided this was the right choice. I eventually came around to seeing how it was the right choice too. As soon as I did, and as soon as he realized the nature of me hanging out with the other guy, he started getting possessive and competitive - giving me compliments, showing affection, shit talking the other guy, basically what you would expect from a jealous ex who wanted you to still be hung up over them. I was confused but regretfully didn't have the frame of mind to turn him down because I still wanted to be with him, so I accepted his advances. That basically went back and forth until I broke things off with the other guy, he said that we would take things one day at a time and figure this out together, and he loved me. A week and before you arrived the other guy raped me while I was drunk. I told Ben what happened and he promised he was safe, I could trust him, he loved me and he was here for me. In that same conversation I asked him if there was any possibility of something happening between you two while you were there, if he had been talking to you in a more than friendly way, and he promised me no: There was nothing for me to be worried about, he had nothing left in him for you, he only wanted to be with me and he loved me. A few days before your visit he started displaying signs of anxiety about you coming, about how he knew it was going to go poorly between you and me, and while I was anxious about meeting you too I promised to be communicative and that I would try to set it aside as much as I could so things would be okay. We set up an arrangement where if I was uncomfortable, he assured me I could talk to him about it and he would do the best he could to sort something out. I told him that if he needed help I was right there. It struck me as odd that he hadn't gotten the transient cabin across his for you and when he wanted to figure out sleeping arrangements he first insisted that I should sleep alone and you should be in his room, but I told him we'd work on it when we got there. He expressed anxiety about how you'd never really seen him with anyone else and I told him that if he was serious about no longer being interested in you, it was best that you did so you didn't have false hope of you two getting back together. He promised me that he had spoken to you about what was going on with us and that you knew we were trying to work things out. He told me that you would respect me too much to try anything and that he wouldn't simply for lack of interest. Then you showed up and I could tell there was something going on, but I couldn't approach him as to what. Shortly after was the first time you two disappeared for a long talk alone. While sitting outside with Nick I heard you kiss, but wanted to believe he wouldn't do something like that. When I spoke to him alone I tried to make sure that he had actually spoken to you about us and tried to talk to him about how I was finding some of your behavior inappropriate (wearing his jacket, licking his cigarettes) and he looked mortified, but wouldn't tell me what was wrong when I asked. Later I saw him laying down in bed and saw you crawl up to comfort him and I put the pieces together. I tried to reassure myself that nothing had happened and I could trust him and tried to make the rest of the night okay. You two disappeared for more talking. I sat outside smoking waiting for him to come out because no one ever told me what was going on with you two, and in fact everyone reassured me of the opposite. Nick started getting aggressive with me and "guarding" the door when all I wanted was to knock so I could ask what was up and if I should just go to bed. We got into a fight. When Ben came out, he told me he still had feelings for you because you had told him how you could forgive him for everything from five years ago. Given that just the day before he had promised me that he was safe and that I was fragile from my recent rape, I flipped out. We fought. Things got bad. I got into his cabin to get a razor blade to hurt myself with. I know that you feel certain I was trying to hurt you with it, but I never had any intent to harm you. I was angry because of what Ben had told me about the situation and I yelled, but I never had the thought to hurt you - though whether or not you believe that I couldn't decide for you. Nick followed me into my cabin and I begged him to leave me alone, and he repeatedly refused to do that. We dragged Ben in there to try to talk things out. It went back and forth until Security came. I was carted off to Jackson to the hospital, where they admitted me for psychiatric care. They allowed me to have my phone periodically to try to contact someone who could get me out - I called and texted Ben apologizing for the situation and telling him I needed to be checked out before I got put into the court's hands, and after that I would leave him alone. No answer until the afternoon the next day, when he sent me a text apologizing for everything and saying that he loved me. I finally managed to call him and he said he thought he made the right choice, that he confused nostalgia for love and that there was a reason you two ended, and that he would have married me had he not fucked things up so bad. I accepted his apology and told him we would work on it. An arrangement for my parents to drive from Michigan to take me back home was made and I spent the next night waiting for them to come in the hospital. I finally got checked out the next morning, we stayed in Jackson. Ben called me and had a panic attack at work, during which he sobbingly confessed that you two had had sex but insisted he didn't want to and said you goaded him into it and he was too drunk to say no. I told him it was okay, but he needed to talk to you and have you start staying with Nick for both of your sakes. I got there the next morning to get my things, knocked on the door, and saw a dark room with closed blinds and got angry with him for not having you leave if he actually felt he had been taken advantage of. We had a long talk in the truck about how we still loved each other, he knew I was the one for him, whatever and kissed. I got my checkout papers sorted out, saw him at work to say goodbye, and left. Obviously he never had you leave his room like I asked - he told me this was because he was scared and he wanted things to be okay. That was the reason he gave me for basically everything - "I was scared, I didn't know what else to do, I just wanted things to be okay, I didn't know how to handle it, I got wrapped up in nostalgia, everyone's always told me I was supposed to have been with her and I lost sight of what I wanted for myself, I spent so long feeling guilty and responsible that when she told me it was okay I broke down." He never told me what happened with you, kept it vague and said that he spent too much time talking about how he wished I was there, feeling like he wanted to die, feeling awkward with you, and went so far as to say that he told you that he would have married me and I was the one for him. It's clear he never told you about what was going on between him and me at the time either. I faced a lot of criticism from my family for giving him another chance. My dad said he was disappointed I could be so stupid, and that he was probably telling you all the same shit he was telling me. I chose to trust Ben more than my Dad's intuition, and I guess you can see how that's gone.

    The months following, he insisted that he explained to you what was going on with us before you came to Yellowstone and that you just ignored it - this was the lie that made me realized you had been just as lied to as I was. He said something about you telling him that if he wanted to work things out with me, he needed not to be so wishy washy and destructive, and it made me realize that if you could be so impartial then you probably would have respected our situation had you known about it. Up to last night he painted you as the villain and was happy to let me be angry with you for everything that had happened instead of him. He lied about basically everything until, I guess, it got so mixed up in his head that he repressed it.. or whatever the story is. I don't really know anymore. I know shit got messed up and he fucked you over terribly in the entire situation, and I wish I had known that sooner. I wish I would have thought harder about what he was telling me rather than hating you because it made it easier to try to trust him. He lied to us both. He's lied continually to me in the months following you coming to Yellowstone. For what little it might be worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what he did to you and how he made you hurt, I'm sorry for how things exploded with me, and I'm sorry for the anger I misplaced onto you.

    As far as him ignoring you goes, I want you to know that I never told him he shouldn't talk to you even when I hated you. I respected his need to figure out how to handle the situation with you on his own terms and, in fact, asked that he spoke with you about what happened in Yellowstone. I think that caused him anxiety about talking to you at all and he just didn't - of course I can't explain his actions for him and that's all complete conjecture on my part, so I might be totally off base here. I'm sorry on his behalf. You seem like an understanding and caring person and you didn't deserve that treatment.

    I've also left it up to Ben to explain to the people in his life what the dynamic of our relationship was before now, how it functioned from the start. Given how he painted you with such a negative brush in how he recounted what happened between you two, I thought you might be sympathetic to my situation in this, but that's up to you to decide. Our relationship was an emotionally abusive one. He would repeatedly make me feel expendable, do something awful and hurtful and thoughtless, and hate himself until I had to pick him back up and remind him of all of the beautiful things I saw in him. His comfort always took precedence over my feelings and I couldn't argue how he navigated our relationship publicly - by telling everyone we didn't have one - out of respect for his privacy. It wound up being this shitty thing where he would say he loved me but he was scared to, and I lost myself to the relationship in trying to prove to him that he was deserving of love. He told everything negative to the people in his life about us, but insisted to me that he stayed because he loved me and he was happy - even now I couldn't tell you which is the honest answer, and I've asked him to examine that for himself. He told Nick things that would prompt him to hold me accountable for both his unhappiness and my own and repeatedly allowed Nick to tear me apart and perpetuate the emotional abuse I was experiencing, while also isolating me and making it so I would have no one to talk to about what he was doing. I'm telling you this because I think you should know the proper context for what was going on with us throughout our entire relationship, because he hasn't been honest about much from the start. That's not to say I was never at fault. I do struggle with suicidal ideation and with self-harm; it's just something I've done since me preteens and haven't figured out how to overcome yet. I always told him that I was responsible for myself and how I respond to things and that he needed to take care of himself, but maybe the fear of me doing something was greater than that. That's another thing we'll have to discuss, I guess. He told me that he was afraid of me hurting myself, but ultimately he made the choice to stay because he loved me and he was happy. Who knows how true that is now? I want to say that how I handled things in Yellowstone was a result of my recent rape compounded by his betrayal, but I guess I have nothing to evidence that I wouldn't have handled things so severely either way. I can say that I certainly wouldn't be so drastic about it now. I know you've expressed concerns for his safety and that's why I wanted to address this with you. However, that said, I can't decide for you what your ideas of me are and I don't expect to change them.

    I'm not telling you all of this in the hope that it'll cause a rift between you two. I just think you deserve to know the situation in full. I hope he talks to you about all of this, about what he did to you, about his dishonesty on both sides of it. He's a very confused, twisted up man who's made a lot of fuck-ups, but he's trying to learn how to dismantle those patterns in himself and it's been a shitty rocky road and probably will be for a long time.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    made the wrong choice and confused nostalgia for love* rather.


  • Katelyn Lick
    Katelyn Lick

    I honestly have no idea how to process any of this. It's obvious you are willing to accept any amount of bad behavior from him because even with all the emotional abuse and explanation you are still vouching for him and with him while he's sleeping. I have no desire to speak to you or to watch him self destruct again. Been there done that. You claim not to cause a rift but knowing there was a crack you certainly did your best to push it wider. Thanks for taking my best friend especially at a time when I needed him most. You have no idea what you've done. Hope you get what you want


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I wanted you to know what was happening because it's clear he still hasn't been honest with you and lied to you as much as he did me when you visited him in Yellowstone. I thought you deserved the chance to know the full situation and choose for yourself what to do. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was vouching for him - I didn't want to demonize him because I know he's your friend, but maybe I took it too far. I wasn't trying to downplay what he did to you.

    How did I take your best friend? I could say thanks for taking him from me when I needed him most, too, and I've often wondered why you thought it was appropriate to try to re-initiate a romance with him when you knew we had been on and off and you knew I was still living right there by him. How well could you have really expected that to go?

    I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me, but I wish you were willing to see what I have to say without turning me into some horrible person with cruel intentions. I'm sorry if I put a lot on you that you didn't want to know, I just thought you deserved to. I don't care if you two stay friends and I want him to talk to you about this, I just want him to do so with full disclosure. I'm sorry if honesty isn't what you wanted, but after everything that happened trying to make things go back to normal can't work anymore.


  • Katelyn Lick
    Katelyn Lick

    I didn't reinitiate romance. I don't want honesty or anything else from you. What he and I do or don't discuss is not your concern.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    He told me you kissed him and said you wanted to be with him and that's what started the whole thing. I think given the fact that he cheated on me with you, then I do have the right to make sure you know the truth. I guess what you two do with it isn't up to me.


  • Katelyn Lick
    Katelyn Lick

    There isn't an us two anymore. He was my best friend for over ten years. I listened I every heartbreak before and including you. I went to him when I couldn't heal my own after a terribly abusive relationship. I was in no place to start a relationship with anyone. I did not initiate that. Believe what you want. I have bigger things to worry about right now


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I just want to know what really happened. Obviously I can't believe what he's told me.


  • Katelyn Lick
    Katelyn Lick

    Then that's something you need I consider as you figure out your relationship. I'm not the fact checker and not the other girl as you would like me to be. I had no idea. And I didn't initiate.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    He says he doesn't remember. I've asked him until I'm blue in the face. I'm not trying to cling accusations at you and I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what really happened so I can determine what to do about it now.

    sling*

    I also believe that you had no idea about what was going on with him and me at the time and that he lied to us both. I just need to know who started the whole thing because I think I've spent a lot of time being angry with the wrong person.


  • Katelyn Lick
    Katelyn Lick

    I can't help you with that. Please don't contact me again.

    You're going to believe what you want regardless of what I tell you. I've already told you a lot and it still obviously isn't enough for you.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I've indicated that I'm not willing to make you the villain and I just want to believe the truth. I'm not going to beg you to tell me something you don't want to, I just wanted to hear your side of the story. I wasn't trying to make it seem like you bothering to respond at all wasn't enough. I'm sorry. I dont know what else I can say to make myself any more transparent than this. It's clear Ben lied to us both and it's clear he hurt you in this.


  • Today

  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    Let me retract that apology, actually. I'm not sorry for trying to extend compassion towards you and treat you like an actual person and not a character on which I could project the "bad guy" role of the things that have happened. I'm not sorry for trying to show you that I cared about what you experienced in all this because, you know, that's what humans should fucking do. I care less about the fact that you feel you couldn't reciprocate or were unhappy about talking to me as I care about the fact that you have obviously never tried viewing me in that same light, you've never seen me as a person whose experiences and feelings are anything more than an inconvenience to you. It's clear that you have only ever seen me as an extension of Ben - and a very temporary one who, in her presence in his life, only serves as an obstacle between you and him. It's not my fault he's been a shit friend to you. I had absolutely nothing to do with him deciding to ignore you for the past few weeks, or months, or however long it's been. And how you somehow seem to hold me accountable for what he did in Yellowstone is beyond me; I think what I told you makes it clear that he fucked me over, doesn't it? I'd just been raped. He promised we were together and working things out, and promised he was safe. He wasn't. He pinned it on you and that was a lie, too. Tell me how I wronged you in that scenario? How am I to blame for him being shitty to both of us, and how am I vouching for him in wanting to know the truth of your experiences after he happily tossed all the blame off to you? And I sympathize with the fact that he has, over and over, hurt you. That's why I gave half a shit about what you might have gone through, because I realized that you were lied to before it all even began. But you still went along with whatever bullshit he was pulling after a girl had just been hospitalized, so maybe you should evaluate the kind of person you are and what kind of behavior you're willing to accept, too. Pin his abuse on me all you want. I wouldn't dare do the same to you because I know little about what your last relationship was like or what you were going through. I'm just sorry you had to experience it. No one should. It's been clear for a while that you feel entitled to Ben, almost like he's your property. You dated him first, you've known him longest, got hurt the worst, helped him through him being a wrecking ball after - you know so much better than anyone who could come after you, right? What could any one else possibly know, and hey, they'll never last long because you were the one he was "supposed to have been with" if he hadn't fucked up so much. That's disconcerting at best and disgusting at worst. People are not objects and concepts you can make claim to. You don't get possession over them. You can't take someone away from someone else. I never took your best friend away from you any more than you took him away from me when you came to Yellowstone. He did that, he made those choices and those mistakes, and that's all to do with him and whatever mess is in his head. You need to seriously reevaluate how healthy your attitude towards him is, and maybe how healthy your relationship as a whole is if you two are still pulling this shit five years after you broke up. I could honestly not care less at this point about whether you two never talked again, if you stayed friends or if things between you got romantic - I'm not going to stand in his way to keep fucking himself up and being a wrecking ball to other people. I would hope, though, that you two would have just moved on already at least for your sakes because at this point your history is little more than tragic and destructive and that's how shit continues to play out still. You're fucking adults almost into your thirties. Try navigating relationships like you are. I don't expect to hear back from you, or if I do it'll be a shitstorm, but whatever. Do with this what you will. I'm never obligated to your time, let alone your response. Just spare me the drama of acting like I'm somehow a threat to you for trying to communicate with you like you're a person.


Nov. 19th, 2014

indignant

(no subject)


  • Tuesday

  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    you and dad were more right about ben than i wish i could say you were

    id call you but my phones out of service again


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    but he left here to go stay with his dad in alpena because we got into a fight about whether or not i could trust him because he claims not to remember the week kate was in yellowstone, so i made him call her and put her on speakerphone. she said that they spent the entire night i left talking out their history and reminiscing and he asked her "so how will we raise our kids?"


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    never explained to her that he and i were working things out from the start. never told her he wanted to be with me. never even mentioned what was going on between him and me until the night before she left when they were up on shadow mountain together, so basically let her function under the assumption of them being together and having kids in the future


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    thats why he left me in the hospital and took so long to get back to me. i can only assume that the entire purpose was to get me out of the way so he could have a nice, rosy, nostalgic weekend with her where everything went back to how it was with them before me - them reminiscing and hooking up


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    ive never felt more stupid, used, expendable and worthless in my life

    i should have trusted dads intuition on the trip back. hes almost always right about this shit and i knew that


  • Today

  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    OH Keeterbug, were hoping we were wrong, honestly we were. You deserve so much more and so much better. YOU are NOT stupid, or worthless and definitely NOT expendable. You just fell head over heels in LOVE. That is all. It is not a bad thing to fall in love or to put yourself out there. It just sometimes doesn't work out. It's the hardest thing to love someone who doesn't love you back. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a magic pill that made your heartache go away, I would get it for you in a heartbeat. I can say all the right things, and they are true too..you deserve better, you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved, someone who puts your first and is happiest when he is just with you. These things are easy to say and what I wish for you more than anything in the world. For you and Mikhail both. I want you both to find that special someone. I wish I could take away the pain and heartache of broken promises and lies and the distrust, hurt and anger you are feeling now. It WILL get better, this I do know. We've all been betrayed and trusted in love that turned false. Your dad, me, Mikhail....pretty much the whole human race I would say. It doesn't make you feel better I know but you will eventually. Dad wants you to know he isn't happy he was right, he wishes Ben was a better man than he turned out to be and only wants you to be happy as do I. He does say however that he would like to go to alpena and stomp his ass for trifling with your heart. I only hope he hasn't battered it so hard that you lock it away and don't put it out there for someone more deserving to find. You have so much love to give....more than enough to spare the "boys" that come and go until a real man with a heart as big as yours comes along. It is most definitely HIS loss and you don't need to ever ever feel stupid for loving someone! EVER. You are much like me in many ways. I knew you would get to the bottom of it and I am glad you did. I am NOT happy how it turned out however, not at all. I really hoped he would turn out to be the man you wanted him to be. There is nothing wrong with wanting and beleiving in someone and loving them enough to give them another chance, and I'm glad you tried. You tried very hard and with everything you have and I am so proud of you for that. Even after all you went thru you tried again. I am just so very sorry he was undeserving of your efforts. I wish there was more i could do and something I could say that would take away the pain of a broken heart but it will get better Nakita, this much I do know. Dad and I love you so much and it hurts us to be powerless to help when you are hurting. If there's anything you need or want please let us know. We can send you money for your phone if you'd like, that is something we can do. Or if you want to come home we can pick you up anytime. Don't hesitate to ask if you need anything. And please talk to us about anything and be strong. LOVE YOU!


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I kind of want come home - do you know of Wayne wire would ve hiring right now?

    But I don't know now close I should be to Ben and I'm worried about leaving Mikhail alone. He takes better care of himself and is all around happier with someone here

    I'm scared and don't know what to do right now


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Well when I was at work yesterday there WAS a new hire at wwcp. Dad also said he saw a post for the Dollar store looking for new hires. I don't want you to be scared! Things will work out. I think Mikhail will want what is best for you too.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I still love him and it hurts


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    You don't stop loving someone just because they're an asshole...unfortunately....

    I'm not so old I don't remember how badly it hurts, even tho it's been 30+ years. When someone you love cheats on you it hurts....but it DOES get better I promise.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    Being in Hillman has always made things worse, not because of you guys. Because that town is awful and depressing. but I don't know how to get back on my feet right now

    I wish he had just cheated on me


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    I know and beleive me I do not want to see you go downhill and get stuck in this little town.

    I know that too, lying on top of it all makes it so much worse. And to act like you didn't even exist when kate was there...and he talked of having kids...sigh I cannot imagine how bad that hurt you.

    I want to smack him so BADLY. Immature?maybe but it would feel great. You know even if you just want to come home and lick your wounds for a little while that is fine too. You don't have to make any major choices right now.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    He emotionally abused me our entire relationship. He betrayed and abandoned me right after I'd been raped with the absolute worst person he could have, after he promised he was safe. And whenI tried to trust and forgive him everything I built that off of was a lie.how can I still love someone who would do all of that?


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    I know. Thank you, I appreciate it

    I need to do some thinking


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Because LOVE is BLIND....it really is. Your heart still loves him even after your brain knows the worst. I wish you could turn it on and off like a light switch but it just doesn't work that way. i just don't want to see you shut down or not trust someone again because of this.....


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    i guess i cant say how things will be after some time has passed, but right now im terrified of everyone besides careena and mikhail


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    What would you think about trying to do some ebay sales maybe? I don't know but we could work on it together. I do know I picked up a leather jacket a few days ago at the thrift store for $6 and sold it for $80 last nite. I know it doesn't always go that well but it is something you could do at home while you heal.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    i dont know how not to dissect everything everyone tells me, or how not to wonder what kind of monster they've been that the people they love have just let it pass because they love them

    that might be a good idea, i have absolutely no money now

    im not sure i have much worth selling


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    We can scour the thrift stores for deals. Maybe you could work part time at the dollar store. I know wwcp pays more but it is also much more stressful and to be honest i hate the thought of you "stuck" there. I don't know either but you have family that loves you and will help you.


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    I know A Jenny would love to have you for awhile and could use the help with mara....also a thought.

    I want you home and maybe I'm selfish but I think you and her could help each other.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    i know

    ill have to think things out and talk things over with mikhail and careena and get their input

    it just hurts to be here, he lived here just long enough to make it feel like home and then this happened. hes always felt like home


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Talk to Jenny too, she is really good at talking with you and went thru a lot of heartache herself. I know how lonely and empty you must be feeling...


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    i feel homesick. i hate myself for being pathetic enough to love him. right after he hung up with kate, right after i heard her say that he talked about them having kids together, i looked up at him and still saw everything ive ever wanted to love in someone

    i think what hurts most is i know hes capable of bringing those things to the forefront

    but i dont know if im capable of giving him another chance


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    THAT is one of the hardest things to do. Because IF you do give him another chance you have to be able and willing to leave the past in the past which means you have to be able to trust him again, not an easy thing to do, and to NOT live in the past or bring it up when a fight happens. Which seems to me like most of the work in making the relationship happen is put on your shoulders. I don't know how to HELP you. I know Dad & I had our problems and we had to move ahead by not dwelling on the past. But we never had to overcome as much as you have and i don't see how you can move ahead when the past is still so painful....ackkk i am not making much sense or being of much help. But how can you forgive and trust again....that will be hard. If you do it seems it is all on you to be the one "forgiving", the majority of the "work" is on your shoulders and it won't work very well if you are angry and resentful...that shit always comes back and bites you in the ass.I know I've been there and until you can honestly let go og your resentment it won't work.


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    im not really angry or resentful anymore. i mean, maybe thatll kick in later, but right im just hurt and i feel stupid for wanting to give him another chance


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    but all of the things about our situation beyond me forgiving him - and even he needs to prove he deserves that to an extent - are things he has to fix.. he has to tell people the truth about how he treated me, because he never did. he has to decide what he would do about kate, if hed still be friends with her. how to show me hes working on things, not just say it, and get therapy]


  • Kita Swift
    Kita Swift

    and i feel powerless

    and dont worry, youre helping plenty. i think its clear how coherent i am right now, but i can make perfect sense of what youve said

    i dont know whether or not i actually have it in me to give him another chance but the fact that i even question any answer other than "no" makes me feel so stupid and pathetic


  • Karen Swift
    Karen Swift

    Personally I do NOT think it is stupid to give someone another chance, I honestly don't. I do not want to see you treated like a door mat however but that is not always the case. You aren't powerless by any means and have the right to either let him back into your life or not. Perhaps a little time will help you make a choice, but it is YOUR choice and you are in control so no you're NOT powerless even tho your poor heart has been trampled. It will take time I think and that is perfectly OK. You can come home or stay with Mikhail or even visit Jen, any option is fine, any combo of them is fine...spend some time at all 3! Just be aware of what your heart needs right now and be OK in how you treat yourself. Spoil yourself a little and put you first for a change. It is NOT pathetic to love someone, even after being treated badly by that very person. It just shows me how big your heart is....


Nov. 4th, 2014

indignant

(no subject)

And so they say lord, for everything a reason
For every ending a new beginning
Oh so they say baby, for everything a reason
And so they say baby, for everything a reason

And those who loved before will be brought back together
Yeah those who loved before will be brought back together
And so they say baby, for everything a reason
And so they say baby you will be brought..

...brought back to me

I saw you leaving, I saw the light go out
I saw you leaving
I saw you leaving

And so they say lord, for everything a reason
My house is haunted by rotten desire
And on my skin left the scent of indignation
And so they say baby, for everything a reason

Don't call me back, I had everything I needed
For every lie, honey, the truth lay underneath it
Oh so they say baby, for everything a reason
And so they say baby, you will be brought...

...brought back to me

I saw you leaving, I saw the light go out
I saw you leaving
I saw you leaving

Come back to me

Oct. 3rd, 2014

indignant

(no subject)

Throw me in the landfill
Don't think about the consequences
Throw me in the dirt pit
Don't think about the choices that you make
Throw me in the water
Don't think about the splash I will create
Leave me at the altar
Knowing all the things you just escaped

Push me out to sea
On a little boat that you made
Out of the evergreen
That you helped your father cut away
Leave me on the tracks
To wait until the morning train arrives
Don't you dare look back
Walk away, catch up with the sunrise

This is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you

So leave me in the cold
Wait until the snow covers me up
So I cannot move
So I'm just embedded in the frost
Then leave me in the rain
Wait until my clothes cling to my frame
Wipe away your tear stains
Thought you said you didn't feel pain

Well this is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I want you so much
But I hate your guts

Well this is torturous
Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous
'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts
I want you so much
But I hate your guts

Aug. 25th, 2013

indignant

(no subject)

It's not up to me.
No matter what I do, ultimately it doesn't matter. I don't get to make this decision.

Realizing that and letting go of the idea that I can impact the outcome of all of this is the ebst thing I can do for myself, and probably for you too, but goddamnit if it doesn't hurt.

Aug. 12th, 2013

indignant

(no subject)

You stamp me out with the hard sole of your boot like the cherry of a cigarette, crushing me beneath your twisting heel, and I still smile with broken teeth and wet red eyes and apologize for burning too hot beneath your foot.

May. 25th, 2013

indignant

(no subject)

It's all right, man.
I'm only bleeding, man.
Stay hungry, stay free, and do the best you can.

Dec. 3rd, 2010

cocky

sketch dump (pretty much entirely L4D-themed)

I haven't finished jack, but I've been sketching up a storm!

I really wish this journal's comment page was plain rather than keeping the layout, because it makes posting pictures tricky. I'm not sure if there's a way you can fix that or not.

But anyway! I am totally going to run out of bandwidth on my photobucket account this month.
14Collapse )
Tags:

Dec. 1st, 2010

sunset

art example post

For inquiring minds. Image heavy, obvsCollapse )
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